Dying Hurts Those Left Behind
by kiwi-me
Summary: John's trying to cope with everything that's going on.


Hey. I just wanted to write a piece about how John's coping with everything. Actually I wanted to read a piece but instead this came to me. By the way definitly SPARKY!

Word count: no clue. I'm writing in wordpad and all the instructions are in Korean.

Apologies for the grammar. It follows the brains train of thought which leads to a distinct lack of grammar. Well atleast it does in my brain.

Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies. Not mine. Have no money so please don't sue. Feel free to send me a gift wrapped Ronon or Sheppard- more than willing to pay for the postage and packaging.

Liz'beth my Dad died. I know we never really talked about my family. There was a lot of things we never got round to talking about but you would understand this but you're not here.

Things with me and my Dad were strained since my Mum died when I was 13. Drunk driver. When she died Dad started grooming me to be the heir to his fortune. He was huge in the business world. Did you know that? Could you see me sitting behind a desk being a suit? Even at thirteen I knew I couldn't do that. I had dreams of flying. I wanted to be part of the Air Force. Dad wouldn't even entertain the thought. Thought I was doing my little rebelling thing and that I would come to my senses.

I tried talking to him about it. That didn't go so well. I ended up with a black eye. He didn't mean it and we never talked about it again. Did you know I got accepted to Georgetown. I could have been in your classes. Do you think we would have got on then? Do you know how much I wish we had all those extra years together. But then I guess we wouldn't have had Atlantis.

I joined the Air Force straight out of High School. They put me through college and then Officer school. Bet they have regretted that a few times over the years. Over the years I got the occassional family update letting me know that Dad and my brother were doing well. Dad's business grew and grew and the money kept coming in but we still didn't talk.

I want to say I regret all these years of not talking to him. To some degree I do. I missed having a Dad to talk to, to having that older male figure around. All those moments that you see in the movies or on the tele. But at the time I thought he hated me and my decision. And the lack of a real family at home meant that I could come here. And coming here has given me the feeling of what a family is for the first time since I was thirteen.

I wish he could have seen it here. I wish he could've understood how important this all was to me. That I love flying. It's as much a part of me as my ancient gene. I wish he could know that flying, together with the faith and principles he and Mum taught me got me here. Got me to who I am as a person, to a Colonel in the USAF, and most importantly got me to Atlantis.

It's not just Dad's death which is causing all the pain now is it. It's all the death and dying. I didn't know I could hurt so much without having something physically wrong. Did you know I still walk out on to our balcony and wait for you to turn up? That when I wake up in the infirmary I expect Carson to be behind that blasted penlight.

It's just too much Lizzie. I want to crawl up in a ball and cry but I can't cos I'm not sure I would be able to stop once I started. That there are people out there who turn to me and expect to know what to say or do. they expect me to be the fun loving Colonel Sheppard and I don't know if I can do it without you beside me.

When I left you with Oberoth (yes I know you ordered me but I left you) part of me died but I wasnt too worried because I knew I would find you. I would bring you home to me, to Atlantis, to our mixed up little family. I didn't let them pack up your room. I figured you would need it when you got back and you would like all of your things where you left them. Did you feel my heart stop when I saw you on the screen? Do you know how much I wanted that to be you. That you could be back where you were meant to be.

My heart broke that day.

You would be ashamed of me. I couldn't bear to be the one to tell your Mum that you had died. I couldn't go to your home and tell the person that you loved that you weren't coming home and that we had no body, and no answers. But most of all I couldn't see a person that would remind me so much of you. A person who helped shape you Elizabeth.

What I would give to see you again. For you to give me a look that says a thousand words. For you to tell me you knew and that you felt the same.


End file.
